Throughout addiction recovery, many external circumstances may interfere with your ability to maintain sobriety. If you are recovering from alcohol use disorder (AUD), such circumstances may be greater in number since drinking is often the center of social gatherings and celebrations. Further, if your spouse still drinks, you may feel triggered and tempted to reengage in alcohol use. While this situation is not ideal, your sobriety does not have to be the end of your relationship.

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• “Instead we get up at like half past 5 in the morning to go to the gym,” she said.
• Relationships live and die based on strong, open communication in both directions.
• In some cases, couples decide to seek therapy to navigate this new relationship dynamic.
• Sheri had felt like the second most important thing in my life for years.
• It’s even harder when the person who is still drinking or using is your significant other.

So it wasn’t until I got the strength to free myself of that relationship that I actually got sober,” Banks told HuffPost. One of the biggest challenges of having a spouse who is not sober is that you may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. It can be hard to relax and enjoy your life when you’re constantly worried about what your spouse is doing or whether they will make it home safe.

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• Recovery largely focuses on your relationship with yourself, but you’ll need others to support you along the way.
• During these years, he adopted two children, now 12 and 17, and made a career as a professional interventionist, helping families get struggling relatives into rehab.
• This is ultimately very freeing news, even if it may not feel like it at first.
• In each case, it’s probably wise to seek out the guidance of family, close friends or trusted confidantes.
• No matter how long your family has lived under the oppression of addiction, there are bound to be residual concerns, issues and feelings.

Some relationships are unhealthy regardless of how much love and patience we throw at them. In these cases, we can find a way to leave without bitterness, and move on to something better. The Al-Anon family groups is a great place for the families of alcoholics or addicts to seek guidance and comfort. Many of us have found that getting sober and undergoing the transformation required to stay that way has led us to deeper and richer relationships than ever.

For Better of For Worse: Getting Sober When Your Partner Isn’t

We learned how to be in healthy, happy relationships—something a lot of us had never experienced before. It takes time, but this work runs deep and transforms lives and relationships alike. Relationships live and die based on strong, open communication in both directions.

According to 2018 research, supportive relationships with family, spouses, and sponsors help those working toward sobriety sustain their recovery. I’ve read about a 20 percent increase in divorce rate when abusive drinking is in play. But I’ve never been able to find statistics about the divorce rate of marriages when the abusive drinker is in recovery.

Recovery is a process of transformation in which we seek to become something greater, healthier, and happier than we’ve ever been. Unfortunately, for as many years as it has taken folks to get into recovery, they’d like to make up for lost time and be all better by next week. Tony’s role in Banks’ recovery work is supportive, but from the sidelines. “I don’t depend on him for my therapy, my recovery,” Banks explained.

The best thing to do is communicate honestly about what you need, with no expectations for them to change their behavior. Don’t stew in silent resentment while your partner drinks or gets high as usual, unsure if you should speak up. They might have no idea it’s affecting you or making you uncomfortable. So talk to them (when they’re not under the influence) about what you’re feeling.

Some of us try to convince ourselves that things will be fine now that im sober and my spouse is not marriage and sobriety our loved one is sober. Yet, it’s important to consider this choice for the well-being and personal growth of both yourself and your partner. It might be time to leave your partner if their behavior jeopardizes your safety, well-being, and personal growth.

Questions to consider: How is your relationship with your partner now that you’re in recovery?

If you’ve gotten sober, you’ve probably already made it clear to your partner how seriously you’re taking your sobriety. The next period of time is going to present many changes for both of you. Your partner may see you differently and you may see their actions through a new perspective as well. Substance use can bring people together and once it’s removed from the equation, it can leave you feeling imbalanced. A therapist can help you learn more about the role you may have played in a codependent relationship and learn healthier patterns.

The drinking partner has a healthy relationship with alcohol, and its role in their life is insignificant.

And I really viewed this moment of COVID as a time where I could quietly quit,” Royle told HuffPost. Leigh says that being in a relationship with Lee leads her to drink less, and she sees that as a positive overall. “If he did drink, I think potentially we would be drinking a lot more.

Without the studio, I wonder whether our marriage would have survived the turbulence of early recovery. Realizing that your compatibility with someone was largely predicated on drinking together can be a gut punch. My husband and I had to get to know each other all over again. My drinking self was down for a good party and talking shit on someone’s patio.

No matter how long your family has lived under the oppression of addiction, there are bound to be residual concerns, issues and feelings. The ONLY person who is responsible for drinking/drugging is the addict themselves. While their external behavior may be very different, folks in early recovery have the same character flaws they had when they were using.

Once you set those boundaries, stick to them—boundaries have to be maintained. But of course, there will be times when it is most appropriate to move on from a relationship. In each case, it’s probably wise to seek out the guidance of family, close friends or trusted confidantes. It may be wise to take your time with the decision to leave. You’ll want to move forward with no regrets, and that might mean staying until you’re sure that you are making the right decision.

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In couples and family counseling I am often asked, “What do I have to be careful not to do or say? I don’t want to push them back to drinking/drugging.” I’m quick to point out that affected others are not that powerful and that accountability doesn’t work that way. Sober people and their partners understand that sobriety isn’t a joint effort. The person not drinking is the one doing the work, and there are others best positioned to help them in this ongoing effort.